I will be the first to admit I am NOT the most stellar driver on today’s freeway. I encountered some bad luck early in my career behind the wheel that resulted in some painfully ugly accidents all of which have led to a paranoia that makes me jumpy when in traffic.   But lately, I’ve heard two stories back to back that lead me to believe that while I may not be the most skilled, there are certainly others out there less mentally stable to be piloting ANY sort of motorized vehicle.

First, there is the story out of Ohio about a women careening down a road during morning rush hour talking on a cell phone and breast feeding her baby while taking her other children to school. 

“I’m following right behind her right now on Far Hills Avenue,” the caller said as he spoke to a Kettering dispatcher. 

“I approached her after witnessing her recklessness roadside and said I can’t believe you have a child in your lap!” 

Her classy response? “‘You want to pop your titty out and breastfeed this kid?” 

 Wow. Motherhood at its finest, I tell ya. The police came to the area and tried to locate the van, but could not find it. So they used the license plate number to track down her contact information. When a police officer spoke to her, she admitted she breastfed her child stating “she does not deprive her child when the child is hungry”. So, her youngin will be fat and sassy but might not live to see its next birthday? I’ve been in a car with a crying, hungry baby and I will admit it can make you feel helpless when you can’t get to them immediately to soothe them.  But, let’s assess our priorities, people! And this woman is molding and shaping MULITPLE little lives. Reminds me of the time years ago, when a pregnant patient called my office to ask if it was safe to play out in the snow in her condition. I advised her to stay cautious and avoid falls but that yes she was cleared for a little snowman-making action. 

 She paused for some time and then said “But what about my water?” 

“Your water?” I asked confused. 

“Yes, won’t the water the baby is in freeze if it’s too cold outside?” 

Sweet merciful Jesus. Not the first or the last time I lamented there wasn’t an intelligence factor involved in the process of getting oneself preggo. 

Secondly, comes a lovely little tale of sheer genius about a woman trying to drive and simultaneously shave her bikini line……all while……wait for it…… her ex-husband held the wheel from the passenger seat. Yep, you read that right. 

“She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit,” Trooper Gary Dunick said. “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it.” 

If that weren’t enough, this little Mensa candidate was not supposed to be driving AT ALL and it seems her smoking hot 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to EVEN BE on the road. The day before the wreck, she was convicted in court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license. She had been ordered to impound her car, and her driver’s license had been revoked for five years!! 

If you can get past the blatant disregard for the law and human safety, focus for a minute on the fact that she was driving…..to see her BOYFRIEND…..while “grooming”  her nethers(gag-a-maggot)……with her EX-HUSBAND in the car. And they say Elegance and Decorum are dead. 

I’m strongly considering encasing the entire interior of my car with foam padding and donning a helmet and mouth piece while engaged in the active of maneuvering through town. The idiot-disease seems to be spreading more rapidly than I anticipated and every one of them seems to be hitting the highways these days. 

Here’s to staying sane and staying safe out there. Gentlemen, START YOUR ENGINES.

Tags: Breast Feeding, Driving, Pregnant, Shaving, Stupid People

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 at 6:17 pm and is filed under Daily Dose of Mo. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.