Every so often I feel the need to reorganize and restructure. I think its some anal retentive first-born thing….or maybe just the fact that I enjoy starting over from time to time. At any rate, sometime back, while cleaning out an old filing cabinet, I came across a box that has sat unopened for likely 15 years.

Inside were stacks of letters from my crazy awkward teenage years. Because I’m a fairly deliberate creature, I knew I must have placed each of them in there for a reason. At some point in time they represented that which was very important to me.

The majority of them were love letters from the boys of my youth, and to say they were entertaining is an understatement. It soon became apparent that reading through them was going to take some time, so I made a cup of coffee and settled in.

The first bundle (yes, they were sorted and separated according to time frame and author- It appears I have always been ridiculously over-organized) were all written circa 1990 and were from a fella named Todd. His name, for me, instantly conjures the image of a peach fuzz covered jaw line as he was the first boy I ever kissed with facial hair.  Though his voice had only recently dropped an octave and I still had a mouth full of braces, we both somehow felt as though we were qualified to declare it was TRUE LOVE and that we would one day live out our lives in wedded bliss. We decided the year 2000 had a nice ring to it and given that we would be (gasp) in our 20′s by then, we thought it seemed ideal. 7/7/2000. That was supposed to be our day. It was emblazoned across the bottom of every letter right next to a heart containing our initials.  I don’t even know if we bothered to see if that fell on a weekend or if we just thought we would get married on a random Tuesday. It didn’t matter really, because let’s face it, what does when you are in your early teens and smitten to the point of insanity? Needless to say, I did NOT marry Todd. I lost track of him somewhere around the time we both went to college and until that moment I hadn’t thought of him in years, although I’m pretty sure the purple teddy bear he gave me (for a long time, my most prized possession) is probably still in a box in my Mama’s attic.

There was a stack from a boy named Joseph and quite frankly, this poor fella didn’t have the slightest grasp on the English language or anything resembling rules of reasonable grammar. But do you know what I remember most about him? He was the first boy (besides my Daddio and my brothers) who ever held doors open for me.  I had totally forgotten that the poor guy couldn’t spell to save his soul, but his chivalry made a lasting impression. I should also note that this young man gave me a key chain (though neither of us were old enough to drive) that was one half of a broken heart…..he obviously had the other half and when put together they spelled I LOVE YOU. If that doesn’t warm your insides, I don’t know what will, people. That is some serious romance. Incidentally, this key chain still lays in the bottom of my jewelry box in all its tarnished silver-coating chipped glory.

The stack from Andrew was mostly drawings and pages of really bad jokes. Though he had a really sweet sensitive side that never made its way to paper, he was quite funny and probably the first guy to ever really make me laugh on a regular basis. There is a lot to be said for a boy with a sense of humor and after Andrew, well, I have been a lifelong sucker for the funny.

Brent’s stack was all about the poetry….and no, it didn’t ALL rhyme. It seems he had a bit of a writer’s soul within him and frankly, judging from his early work, the potential to be quite good.  Anyone who knew him at that age may have been shocked to learn we often discussed everything from art to history to politics to religion. The first book of poetry I ever owned that wasn’t purchased for required school reading was given to me by Brent and the inscription still moves me : “Poetry is just the evidence of life.  If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.” ~Leonard Cohen.  We may not have been nearly as deep as we liked to think we were at the time, but that was my first real taste of a boy that wasn’t afraid to explore the realm of the intelligent with me and, I’m not gonna lie, it was HOT.

 

The largest stack by far was from Brian, which makes sense as he was my most serious and longest lasting high school boyfriend.  Brian was your classic All- American boy-next-door type with a slight underlying layer of bad boy…..which in my opinion at the time, was about as perfect as it got.  At some point his folks moved to Florida and we were forced to go long distance which we found more than a little tragic. And quite frankly it really was…I mean this was the world before the internet and unlimited long distance cell phone plans. We did the best we could…..sending letters as often as possible and talking on the phone when we could afford it. I spent my spring break that year at the beach with him and I specifically remember walking barefoot through the surf at night and thinking there was no way life got any better than that. Brian and I actually went on to attend the same university, but by the time he arrived two semesters after me,  I was head over heels for Eric (the boy who would single-handedly change my life the most) and our relationship fell victim to the college-crazed social life.  We remained friendly but since we didn’t travel much in the same circles, we didn’t see each other as often as you would think. We never had an ugly break up scene……in fact, we never had a break up scene at all…..somehow we just drifted from dating long distance to not dating at all and miraculously managed to find our footing on the slippery slope of friendship with what seemed like very little effort. Sometime just before I moved to the big city, Brian moved back to our old hometown. He is quite the successful businessman from what I hear and he occasionally runs into my brother and tells him to tell me hello. While we rarely talk, we are still remotely connected through the magic of face book, so after reading his old letters I decided to send him a note:

Hey B-
So last night I was cleaning out an old filing cabinet and I came across a box full of old letters. I bet I haven’t opened that thing in almost 15 years.

There were all these notes from junior high and high school…..things that had been very important to me at some point…..and included were multiple letters from you circa the early to mid 90′s. They were all written about the time your family moved from Cleveland to Florida and maybe a year or so after that.

Brian, I laughed until I cried. They were so spectacular. First of all, one of
them was all about peer pressure and how NO ONE in Florida was a Christian. I swear, it sounded as though you were being made to live in
the 7th circle of hell right up next to the devil’s throne. It was very after-school-special. Absolutely beautiful.

In one, you mention getting grounded for an eternity because you snuck your parent’s car out.

Of course, most of them were very mushy and cute. One even made me cry it was so honest and sweet.

I simply couldn’t bring myself to throw them away so I tucked them back into their box where they will likely sit for another decade or so.

Anyway, it made me think of you and wonder how you are.

It’s been years since we have really known one another but I wanted to take a minute to tell you that I am grateful you were once a very special part of my life. I hope you’ve found that someone special and that your life is all the things your letters said you’d hoped it would be.

-M

And here is what he said in return:

 

 

Dear M-

What a trip down memory lane! It’s amazing how much life has happened since those times. I definitely remember those days and what an impact they had on me. There is certainly something special about that time and the people involved. I think someone builds a really special connection with the person who was around when they were trying to figure out life. There is just nothing that can be traded for those times.

I’m glad you wrote and reminded me about that stuff. It seems like I don’t reminisce about that era much because the people I was closest to then, I’m not in touch with anymore.

I bet those letters are hilarious! That makes me laugh at myself thinking about my dramafied rendition of my “after-school special” difficulties and you reading them We were good kids though, innocent, and full of life, huh? I’m sure one of us could dig up some old pictures from back then. I saw the ones on your site. It would be fun to see some more.

Life is good though. Busy, and rough a lot of times, but God is still good. He tends to be that special someone through life and the ladies . I’m pretty much married to a few businesses and the Lord these days. I don’t take time for too much else. I probably ought to slow down and have a family one of these days though… I’m getting old!!

Thanks again for the memories. I’ll never forget those times. Write me another note next decade when you pull out the old shoebox again

Take Care,

B

 

I actually ran into Brian on one of my last trips back home for the Holidays, and he absolutely looks exactly the same……maybe the heart sees what it wants to no matter what Time and Life do to ravage the faces and figures of our youth.

 

That missive-filled container of adolescent romance is just a reminder that my outlook on life and love was fashioned not alone, but with the help of others…..

 

Even on the days when I find myself entangled in a relationship that reveals it’s not a good fit, it shouldn’t be counted as failure……it’s just one more purple teddy bear…….one more lovely tarnished key chain…..one more well-worn book of poems……one more perfectly flawed love letter all stacked into the alcoves of my heart, where every so often they will make an unexpected appearance and remind me that TRUE LOVE really isn’t JUST about who you end up with, but encompasses those who helped uncover your desires……the ones who showed you who you really are….. and the ones who helped you learn to LOVE YOURSELF along the way.

Tags: love letters, shoebox, teenager, young love

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